Harry Potter and All Those People From FF7
by Space Pirate Trooper
Summary: What happens when Final Fantasy 7 meets something totally and utterly unrelated and weird? This. SPT presents FF7 meets Harry Potter. Weird and stupid all at the same time. It's rated T for now because of battles and such later but it might go down. R&R!
1. The beginning of it all

SPT: Hah. New pen name. It's been 2 years. bows I bring you the worst of fanfiction film/game/anime mashing with… FF7 meets Harry Potter.

Tifa: Goody.

Harry: Great.

SPT: You guys do know that this is all for a laugh? I can't stand it when two totally unrelated things are mixed up! And I hate Harry potter! How dare they kill Sirius!

Sirius: I'm not dead! I got better!

SPT: Only in my world. Anyway. I own no junk here. People own characters. I not own them is. May the force be with you.

Everyone: O-o

SPT: Let the stupidity commence! (I'd also like to make it clear that, due to certain magical elements, characters might not be… themselves. Otherwise the complete idiocy of this wouldn't work!) Oh.. and don't forget. I don't care if people are dead. shifty eyes

OoOoOoO

It was your bog-standard day at Hogwarts. The general mish-mash of castle was sitting there as usual in the atmospheric, less rainy then usual part of lower Scotland. People rushed about as if they had something to do, students nattering, teachers teaching, giant man eating spiders spidering. All in all nothing was amiss.

However, suddenly there was an explosion of swirling light on the 2nd floor, along an unused corridor, which made a rather strange noise not unlike a crisp packet being scrumpled up then exploding in a flash of swirling light. Out of this swirly-crisp-packet-noising thing fell a rather ruffled looking blonde guy with a sword that was WAY to big to lift comparing body and muscle mass to shear weight of metal. His hair was special. It defied the laws of physics itself. The guy casually picked up his sword and strapped it to his back, pulling off his shades. Then he frowned. A small crowd of short people had appeared around him waving sticks. He wondered if he had been thrown into some pre-school or something until an ugly old moose of a woman wandered around the corner and barked "Who are you? Explain yourself!" She waved a stick at him too.

Now, Cloud was a reasonable guy when he wasn't dealing death to monsters so he shrugged. "Something important's happening." He replied to the old crone, shoving past her. He heard a little kid asking "Who was that professor?" and Cloud sighed to himself. Oops. Two seconds on a new world and he insult someone of importance. He didn't bother shrugging as there was no one to see as he wandered down the corridor. No one that is except for a small platoon of small, stick waving children that looked far uglier then what he was used to following him.

As Cloud reached the huge staircase someone had thoughtfully placed smack bang in the middle of Hogwarts, a familiar voice reached his ears.

"Hmm.. I never thought that it would lead _here_." It said. Cloud looked round. Behind him, stood a tall man with long, black hair. His red cape was tattered, knee length and currently being chewed on by what looked like a cat. Cloud didn't really like cats. They usually attack him with something unexpected like Level 4 Death. He didn't like Level 4 Death. It stung.

"Vincent. There's a… cat? Eating you cape." He said after a moment as this was the most obvious of greetings. Vincent didn't really care and didn't do anything to stop the cat. It took the opportunity to purr suspiciously and rub itself against Vincent's leg. Vincent, once again, ignored it and spoke to Cloud.

"I asked a child here and this seems to be a school where magic is taught. I have not seen any Materia, however."

Cloud frowned. "Then how does it work?"

Cloud was never answered as a rather old guy with a long beard walked up the steps towards them. His glasses were semi-circular and he had a funny looking hat, Cloud noted. Vincent was silent.

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" Said the old man. The ugly female teacher that Cloud had encountered earlier appeared form no where and nudged the old guy. "Oh yes. Who are you?"

Cloud rolled his eyes; they didn't have time for this. "Cloud." He said, not feeling obliged to disclose any other information. "Your warthog—"

"Hogwart." Vincent corrected.

"—is in danger—What?" Cloud paused. "Isn't that what the Goblin King calls Hoggle in Labyrinth?"

Vincent rolled his eyes. "You're slow. You know Harry Potter books steal from everything!"

"Ahem!" The old guy cleared his throat. "I'm Professor Dumbledore and this is Professor Mcgonagal."

"Oh." Cloud didn't care really. "You'd better get everyone out of here." He added, trying a little bit harder. "Stuffs going down."

"Stuff?" Vincent said wearily. Cloud wasn't very good at this.

"**Bad** stuff." Cloud clarified to the confused professors.

OoOoOoO

Barry was top pupil at Hogwarts. He was good at magic and was in his fifth year. He wasn't a particularly remarkable looking person of average weight, average height, average hair colour (whatever that it), average personality and Really Good with magic. He was standing in the grounds, on a fieldy-bit looking at the Forbidden Forest and wondering about the centaur heard.

However, centaurs were the least of his problems. Suddenly, Barry-human became Barry-frog. The last thing he head was a murmur of 'frog-song enemy skill!' and he was toaded. He collapsed in a sleeping heap of frog, dreaming about eating flies. Someone behind him gave a laugh and left, but there was not a single footstep to be heard.

OoOoOoO

All done for now, to be continued! XD R&R please!


	2. Things start to happen

SPT: Space Pirate Trooper is back, bringing you chapter 2 of HP/FF7 fanfic of craziness!

First things first… Reviews!

**To Foxbane: **Why thank you very much! 3

**To Lord Makura: ** JAARREEEETTHHH!!

SPT: Now. Onwards!

OoOoOoO

Harry was a curious guy. So was Ron. Well, Ron was if Harry was. Hermione wasn't really but Ron was because Harry was so Hermione was because Ron was. They found a swirly thing on the second floor corridor and Harry, being a complete arse, touched it. Now they were standing at the edge of a bloody HUGE hole, next to what looked like an airship. Ron swore. Loudly. Harry hit him. Hermione pulled them apart.

"Uhh… If you don't mind me asking. Who the hell are you three?"

Harry, Ron and Hermy-ninny turned round. Behind them stood a brown haired woman, her hands on her hips, sizable bust not disguised by a tight white shirt and a pair of hot pants on her lower half with boots. She glared at them. "Go on. Tell me."

"Uhh… Who are _you_?" Hermione asked, looked utterly shocked at this display of tight-shirt-over-large-bust.

"Tifa, now answer the question!" Tifa was staring at them as if they might explode.

"Harry." Said Harry.

"Hermione." Said Hermione.

"R….Ron." Said Ron with eyes as big as dinner plates and definitely not looking at Tifa's face. Tifa slapped him.

"My face is _here_!"

OoOoOoO

Vincent had found poor Barry-frog, still asleep on the grass outside of the school. He knew it wasn't a real frog by the way of the fact it was snoring. Vincent picked him up with his gauntleted hand been thumb and forefinger, lifting the creature to eyes level and staring at it with his crimson gaze. Barry-frog continued to snore. Vincent turned and padded slowly towards the steps of the school again where Cloud stood. The blonde guy was talking to Professor Dumbledore and Vincent waved the frog in front of Cloud's face. "Frog Song, I'd guess." He stated after a moment.

"Probably." Cloud shrugged and looked to Dumbledore. "So, materia is magic. That's it." Cloud took the red materia in his hand and pushed it back into his sword silently, the ball of mako absorbed into the weapon. Vincent was silent. He had refused completely to relinquish his gun, at the threat of physically stopping anyone that tried to take it from them. Professor McGonagall had 'gone to consult with higher authorities' about him and Cloud being here. Vincent absently wondered if anyone else had gone through the portal.

Seeing as Cloud continued to be talking to Dumbledore and the old coot wanted to know everything about Gaia and all the places and creatures there, Vincent took it upon himself to look for Him. The one they had followed. How had no one seen him? Barry-frog was proof of someone from Gaia being here other then Cloud and himself. Vincent placed Barry-frog on the floor and continued walking, down towards a vast lake, over the grass. He stopped at the edge and looked out over it, silent. He had noticed a gaggle of girls following him at this point and looked over his shoulder. They all blushed and giggled and huddled together. It was evident Vincent was far too old (dead infact) for any of them but they smiled and blushed all the same and Vincent looked back out over the water. The girls giggled.

It took a little while for anything to happen, but Vincent eventually noticed something by the trees in the forest. He made his way carefully towards it, noticing a giant tentacle in the lake out of the corner of his eye. The forest was dark. Vincent liked it. The sun was at about mid afternoon but the day was overcast. The red-cloaked figure slipped into the shadows and immediately, it was as if the sun was not out at all. Things roared and called all around him but he didn't care. Vincent kept walking, alone and silent, something calling out to him.

OoOoOoO

Cloud was bored. He wondered where Vincent had gone. After finally getting so bored that he had cast Stop on Dumbledore, Cloud wandered down across the grass.

OoOoOoO

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat on the command deck of the Highwind/Sierra/whatever, looking confused. Tifa had gone off somewhere to talk to some people she called 'Cid and Barret' and the three kids were left on their own.

After a while, a red lion-ish thing walked past. The three kids stared. They all nearly had heart attacks when it said "Hi." and kept walking. Ron especially. Ron actually did whimper as a large pink thing with a cat on it's head walked past as well. The cat said "Hi guys!" and the pink thing carried it past. Harry was confused, Hermione lost and Ron nearly wetting himself.

Tifa returned after a while. "I think you guys are gonna have to say." She said with a touch of irritation in her voice. "Until Cloud and Vincent get back from _your_ world."

OoOoOoO

Cloud now stood at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He had asked the giggling girl-gaggle if they had seen Vincent and it had taken a good 10 minutes for them to _stop_ giggling long enough to tell him where he went. Into the damn forest? Cloud wasn't very happy really. That meant he probably should go after him. Half of him agreed. The other half suggested that Vincent was probably a lot more scary then anything in the forest... But that was on their world. Cloud knew nothing of here. With a sigh, he stepped into the murk, not knowing that a silent shape was following him, a few metres behind.

OoOoOoO

A figure stood on the roof of the tallest tower of the castle, arms stretched up to the skies. "Mother… If you can hear me…" The words were quiet, almost to the point of not being there. Somehow, the sky darkened and brewed into a swift thunderstorm which rumbled melodramatically once the figure had finished speaking. Somewhere a wolf howled, just at the right moment. "Mother, join me here. I need you, Mother."

OoOoOoO

SPT: All done. Please, _please_ R&R okay?


	3. BOOM

SPT: LAWL. I haven't updated for a good many months. HAH. I have now though, right?

Reviews:

**Devil-Speaker**: … :3 Wait and see You never know where J.E.N.O.V.A. may turn up :D

**Lord Makura**: …. XD Poor Ron D:

**Thesinglewhiteroseofwutai: **Yes, of course! Sorry it's been so long…

SPT: So without further adieu, let it begin!

OoOoOoOoO

Professor McGonagall had returned from consulting with her 'higher authorities' and had been told to take Cloud and Vincent into custody in case they were not what they seemed. She headed back to where Dumbledore had been talking to the two men and found him Stopped as Cloud had left him.

In a rather panicked fluster, she disapperated to once again speak to 'higher authorities' about possible trouble makers and Dumbledore being frozen like she'd never seen any magic achieve.

OoOoO

The forest seemed so dark. But Vincent could see through it with ease. He could feel something in the air, something around him. He almost felt like he was being led (maybe it was all in his head though).

Suddenly, a huge ka-thudding of hooves surrounded him. Vincent wound down to a halt, drawing his pistol fluidly.

Something big and hoofed stopped before him in the gloom. The prickly-hair-feeling worked its magic on his neck and he knew there were others all around him, watching silently. The hoofed thing turned out to be half person and Vincent eyed it suspiciously, pointing his pistol at it's face.

"Won't work." The horse-dude (AKA Centaur) said after a moment with a rather smug expression on his face. "Stupid muggle. Muggle-stuffs don't work in Hogwarts."

Vincent paused. What the hell was a muggle? Stupid monster thing. He aimed and pulled the trigger of the pistol. Sure as have it, the blasted thing refused to fire. He hoped he wouldn't have to resort to clubbing it to death.

Before Vincent had time to hold the barrel of the gun and deliver some sort of attack to the guy's face, the thing spoke again. "We don't like outsiders." He said after a moment. "You and your silver haired friends can leave. Like. Now." The guy folded his arms.

Now Vincent was a Kind and Considerate being (or in other words, he couldn't be bothered) but this monster was too mouthy. Silver haired guys? Might be a trap, might not be. He stood there, gun-club in hand and pondered.

"Okay, foo', you didn't heed our warning. You're gonna DIIIEEE." Said someone behind him. Vincent blinked. He put his gun back in it's holder and raised both hands.

A few seconds later the better part of the area around him was frozen solid in ice and Shiva hung in the air before him. She glanced down at her summoner, a frown on her face. "Urhm. Wrong world, hot shot." She sighed. "This isn't Gaia." The ice shattered and Shiva pouted, floating down to stand in front of Vincent. "AND I was having my nails manicured. Do you know how long I've waited for an appointment at 'Knights of the Round Nail Salon'? YEARS I TELL YOU." The summon then disappeared in a small puff of smoke, leaving Vincent unfazed.

Expecting the monsters to vanish, he instead found them lying around groaning, swearing, cursing him or unconscious. Ah well. He'd tried. It was the thought that counted. Vincent headed deeper into the woods, looking for that 'silver haired' person that had been mentioned previously.

OoOoO

Cloud had run into several problems. One, he couldn't find Vincent, two, he was completely lost, 3, he was suspicious that he was going round in circles and 4, something had just jumped him from behind and was pinning him to the floor, trying to maul his face. 4 was probably the worst thing.

Cloud, being a sensible chap, cast Quake and this shook the guy off. Cloud scrabbled to his feet to see a cloaked man that looked like he was meant for the Reunion. Cloudy drew his swordy in one smooth movement. Without waiting, he lunged with the weapon. The reunion-bloke raised a stick. Oh man. Maybe not a reunion man then.

Cloud reconsidered and cast Reflect upon himself. What did he have to loose? The old guy he had cast stop on had said they used magic here. A green flash shot from the black-cloaked figure's stick but bounced back off of Reflect and hit him dead. Literally. As he collapsed, Cloud edged forwards and poked him with his boot. Yup, dead.

The blonde guy continued into the forest.

OoOoO

Harry, Ron and Hermione were scared. A HUGE black guy was standing before them now. He was muscular and strong looking, jaw set in steely determination. The other guy was shorter, cropped blonde hair, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He was grinning, a harpoon in his hand.

"You guys are gonna hafta' earn your keep." The big guy known as Barrett said, staring at them. "If your gonna stay. You will help keep the monsters back." He turned and began to walk away, Cid on his heels.

Harry, Ron and Hermione followed rather gingerly, Ron panicking slightly. Harry drew his wand. Ron copied because Harry drew his wand. Hermione copied Ron.

Outside of the Highwind/Sierra/Whatever was a swirling wind and bottomless hole. They stood at the bottom of the ladder with more then a little apprehension.

Suddenly, a dragon burst from no where. A huge black thing with scaly wings and a bad attitude (not to mention terrible gingivitis). Harry and Ron hid. Hermione faced the beast with Barrett and Cid.

Cid cast Comet2, big balls of junk raining down from the sky.

"Bloody hell." Said Ron.

Barrett shot at the beast with his machine gun arm.

"Holy cow!" Said Harry.

Hermione's eyes seemed to flash red and froth metaphorically dripped from her gaping jaws. She cast a transfiguration and the dragon turned into a complete bone china dining service with a small portion of dragon steak on each dinner plate.

"That's _rubbish_." Both boys said together. Hermione huffed and stalked off.

OoOoOoO

There was still a figure on the Hogwarts roof.

"Are you here yet?"

'Noooooooo' the wind seemed to whisper. There was a few minutes silence and thunder rumbled.

"Are you here yet?"

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

SPT: Okay, all done. Please review. 3


	4. A lot of stuff happens

SPT: Heh. I kinda abandoned this didn't I? Never fear, an update is here! But first off, reviews!

**PurpleSkyOverMe: **I'm glad you like it –tear- I enjoy writing it! Reading back makes me laugh XD

**Thesinglewhiteroseofwutai: ** 0!! I updated!! I like the foo' centaur. I imagine him to be like Mr. T… But with a horses legs. Oo!

**MegaKiraraLover: **Eeeeee, pie! Not scary pie hopefully :x! Yes, reading back I think there should be more Red in this… he's too cool to leave out. As for Yuffie, you're just gonna have to wait and see ;

OoOoOoOoO

It was dark now. The site where Midgar had once stood was a blot on the landscape. High above, an air ship coughed its way along, engines all broken and nasty sounding and giving the distinct impression that it was more a flying death trap then a flying machine.

Inside, 3 people sat round a table. Two men and a woman. The guys consisted of a redhead and a guy with long dark hair. The girl was blonde. Each carried a serious expression on his or her face, except for the redhead who was sitting back in his chair with his feet up on the table.

"Bored now." He said after a moment. "I spy with my little eye..."

"Shut up, Reno." The blonde replied, ready to give in and bash her head repeatedly against the table.

Reno looked at her with a slight pout, "Shut up yourself, Elena."

"Both of you quit it. Just gotta wait for Rude."

With a noise like someone blowing their nose, the airship began to descend. Elena looked a shade greener. Reno laughed.

"Gonna puke, Elena?"

Elena proceeded to stand up and face towards him, gagging. This only resulted in Reno throwing himself off of his chair backwards in some sort of vain hope of avoiding projectile vomit. He landed on his butt with a rather confused expression. Elena laughed then clamped her hand over her mouth and ran out the room.

The guy with the black hair had remained silent this entire time. By this point in the proceedings however, he had lowered his head and was systematically hitting it on the desk. He did this until Elena left when he stopped and put his head in his hands.

"For god's sake, grow up. It's like working with a bunch of kids. Really annoying kids."

OoOoOoOoO

The guy on the rooftops was getting bored now. How long could he stand here, with his hands raised up? Sheesh. Mother was totally late. Not fashionably late either. Just late. He could have destroyed this world hours ago if it wasn't for her. She hadn't even called him or anything.

He ran a hand through his hair idly. Boring… He lowered his arms after a few moments then disappeared. No sound, not flash of light, just vanished.

OoOoOoOoO

"Where's Tifa?"

"How the hell should I know?!"

"It's your damn ship!"

Barret and Cid stood close, glaring into each other's face. You could have cut the tension with a spork. Infact, it was almost comical, thought Hermione. One guy was so much bigger then the other yet they had equally big mouths and apparently equally small brains. She wondered where the brunette had gone as well but you didn't see her shouting. Probably because she was scared out of her wits but that so wasn't the point.

Behind her, Harry and Ron were sitting either side of the Red lion and were teaching him how to play Paper, Scissors, Rock. This was hampered by the fact that Red XIII, as they had found out was his name, did not have hands and it was damn hard to make scissors with a paw.

"Gawd, Red. Like _this._" Ron demonstrated scissors again, in front of Red XIII's face. Red gave him a look of such utter annoyance that Ron backed off slightly. Hermione stifled a giggle and looked back to Barret and Cid who hadn't moved from their face-to-face confrontation.

OoOoOoOoO

"Get _off _of me." Tifa spat to the bald man that held her arm and all but dragged her along. "Get OFF! Or I'll be forced to kick your ass." She continued to yank but he was too strong, at this point anyway. How unfair it had been to kidnap her whilst she was eating lunch. She'd only managed one bite of that wonderful Cactaur soup…

Rude's expression was blank and his eyes hidden behind his glasses. His bald head was cold. And he had to drag this whiney girl along with him. He was now on the site of Midgar, the airship high above his destination.

With the noise of a sick man coughing, the airship settled down in a whirl of dust and sparkles, a rope ladder dropping from the bottom of the ship. Tifa had to climb it. Curiosity was itching at her now. What the hell was this? Rude of the Turks bringing her here… and this airship...

Rude followed Tifa up the rope ladder. On the lower decks, Tifa could see a blonde, suited woman making spluttering noises and bending over the side of the ship. Kinda reminded Tifa of Yuffie. Where had that materia thief gone in this short space of time? She hadn't been on the Sierra/Highwind/whatever when Cloud and Vincent had left.

They walked through the corridors of the airship for a few minutes before another Turk join up with them. Tifa remembered his name... Tseng. How could she forget it? Tseng ignored her completely, talking to Rude quietly as they walked behind her. Soon, the blonde joined them too, Elena, still looking green and like she was about to puke any second. Last came Reno who had a yoyo and paid absolutely no attention to anything else.

Tifa was ushered into a room. She was beyond bored now and had had enough. Maybe if she stuck her chest out a little bit more she could get the 3 guys to let her go…

Her thoughts were cut short by a bloody sight. A person lay on a bed in front of her, all bandages and breathing apparatus and stuff. He looked like he was about to croak and Tifa would have been obliged to help. That hair gave it away. It was Rufus. Hadn't weapon already taken a pot shot at him? Shouldn't he be dead?

Rufus' eyelids fluttered…

OoOoOoOoO

Cloud had come across something very odd indeed. A large group of horse-dudes all laid out and scattered through a small portion of wood. Some were groaning, others nursing frostbite. Cloud grinned. Hadn't Vinnie had the Shiva materia? Hahah, nice. He walked past a particularly large horse-man and it spoke.

"Stop walkin', foo'! I'm not finished with you people! Ice witch or not!"

Cloud promptly bashed him on the head with the flat of the Buster sword and kept walking, obviously hot (or cold, har har) on the trail of Vincent.

OoOoOoOoO

Vincent was not impressed. First the horse people, now a bloody great spider. He eyed it. It eyed him. He took a cautious step forward; it took a cautious step forward. He reached out a gauntleted hand, it reached out a heavily skinned foreleg. Their fingers touched and ….! The spider decided he'd like to try Vincent's arm for dinner.

Now Vincent, up until this point had always been considered the cool, calm, collected of the bunch. The one with the brooding personality, the one who thought logically. The one who quietly got on with things and most of all, the one who always ALWAYS looked cool when fighting. Seriously cool. Cool like an iceberg. Not right now though. With a 20 foot spider on your arm, it is challenging to say the least.

The spider seemed quite content with disintegrating the metal of the gauntlet with it's saliva. Infact, it seemed very pleased in general, a spidering grin on it's mandibles as it chewed thoughtfully.

Vincent didn't have much choice. He beat it's head with the butt of the pistol. It used it's other leg to knock the pistol away and pin his arm down. Vincent kicked it as hard as he could with his pointy pointy boots. The spider jabbed him roughly in the solar plexus with it's foreleg and continued to chew.

If it was an anime, Vincent would have had a sweatdrop on his head.

OoOoOoOoO

The sky was pink. Something fell. Something heavy but something light. Something beautiful and something highly dangerous. Something squishy and something squooshy. It landed with a splat on the roof. A few seconds later, the same silver hair person from before teleported back there.

"Mother?"

"GET ME THE HELL OFFA THIS COLD ROOF!"

"Yes Mother!"

"Okay, that's better now... How are you son?"

"… I'm okay, Mother."

"Lifestream treating you well, is it?"

"Yes Mother."

"Eating enough are you?"

"Yes Moth—Wait. Do I need to eat?"

"Did you get the socks I sent you?"

"Yes Mother."

"Okay. Now, my child, let us destroy this world and use it's energy to wipe out Gaia as well!"

OoOoOoOoO

SPT: Oooooooo! What'sa gonna happen?! R&R 33


	5. Duuuuuude, totally the best chapter

SPT: ZOMGBBQ! I have started the next chapter already! Barely days after I finished the last !! Ah well! Give me more reviews people 3 I neeeeed them. Thank you to those that did though :3

EDIT: Pity I never finished it though. LOLOLOLOL. It's here after months of waiting though -.-'

**Thesinglewhiteroseofwutai: **Thank you! :D

**BlackNinjaGirl: **XDDD!! I take it you liked? Thanks for the review!

**MegaKiraraLover: **Longest review I've ever had o:!! Thanks! Good point about the spider and the spells thing ! I kinda forgot about magic. Eh. Vincent can escape with it then :P There yah go.

Somewhere in the forest, Vincent stood, picking bits of spider gut off of his gauntlet. And his face. And out of his hair. And off his cape. And off his clothes. He'd already removed the sizable piece of spidery intestine from his gun and it was now smouldering gently on the floor. That had been one hell of an explosion. He was quite smug about it actually. Sure. It had sent him 20 feet backwards through the air but that didn't matter. He'd landed on his feet right? He'd been less impressed when this dramatic and amazing feet of destruction (which would have ended cleanly and without mess back on Gaia) caused a shower of internal organs and bits of carapace.

Fire3 was an interesting attack. He'd always thought about it as a kind of… external thing. When applied to the inside of a large arachanid.. well, things just tended to get rather sloppy. He flicked a last bit of goo out of his hair (though he was still rather covered with the stuff) and was about to move on again when a familiar voice sounded from behind him.

"Nice hair, Vinny." Cloud walked up to Vincent, dragging the buster sword through the dirt behind him so they could follow the way out. "Where you going?"

Vincent needed that anime sweatdrop again. "I can feel something." He replied sullenly. Cloud just stared at him blankly.

"Heheheh.. 'feel' something ayy? Spider? I didn't know you like spiders in that way."

"Shut up Cloud. You're starting to sound like Reno."

They both headed off into the darkness.

OoOoOoOoOoO

Only a little way ahead now, a dark figure stood over a boiling cauldron, long fingered white hands on a ladle. There was muttering heard.

"Just can't get the minions these days. Absolute rubbish. Minion's union?! HAH. All I want are some lowly grudges who work for no pay and lots of punishment. Is that too much to ask? National Minion's day? Lies.. LIES." The figure threw a rat into the pot which puffed gently.

A snake wrapped itself around the figure's legs.

"Hey boss, there's this dude and this other dude coming." It said, flicking it's tongue. "It's like, totally rad. One has this like, awesome cape. You should get one. It's all… raggedy and stuff." The snake paused thoughtfully. "And some hair. Totally. You'd look awesome with like, spiked hair, dude." The snake nodded to itself and snaked away to go surf or something.

The figure stirred the pot in silence in a moment before a second, white haired figure appeared beside him. The cauldron-stirrer flinched and looked round.

The other guy was tall, menacing and far too bishie. His eyes sparkled green in the firelight. "Hullo. Mother says work for us or I'll stab you."

"Better do it, Voldy!" The snake shouted from the gloom then sniggered to itself.

"Uh. I'm the villain here." Voldemort said.

"Don't think so." Said Sephiroth. "Not any more. I've read the books. You're not half as badass as me." He smiled and drew Masamune, Mother-in-a-Box under his other arm.

OoOoOoOoOoO

"There he is." Vincent crouched low in the bushes, peering at the cauldron-stirring Voldemort.

"What a ugly mug." Cloud added, hefting the Buster Sword. "Ah well, let's go kick his arse then." He plugged forwards. "Oi. You. Baldy. Get over here so I can make your face look better. With my sword."

Vincent needed a desk to headdesk so he settled for a facepalm instead. He sneaked around the edge of the brush, crimson eyes searching the darkness.

Cloud of the other hand approached with a wafting buster sword and a raised hand. "Just give up or I'll go Knights of the Round on you." He said. "Then we'll all be here for ever whilst the damn thing actually works."

Vincent found the snake. The snake looked at him. "Dude, loving your cloak." Vincent frowned.

"Thanks?"

"Totally. I want one. But boss says snakes don't wear clothes. I think that's totally a reflection of our socially prejudice government and unaccepting, species-confined society." It tapped it's nose with it's tail. "It's nice to find someone who speaks snake without sounding so.. like.. human." It grinned and snaked off again to mix a martini and eat BBQ food. Vincent, for the third time, wished he was in an anime.

Cloud chopped at Voldemort. Voldemort stepped backwards and raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra!" ((Sorry if the spelling is out)) he cried. A little puff of smoke came out of the wand then a flash of green sped towards Cloud. Cloud raised his hand.

"Stop." He said simple and Voldement, and his spell, froze in Time. "Silence." He added after a moment. Then he giggled to himself. "Enemy Skill: Frog Song." And that was it for old Voldy kins. A frozen frog, silenced, sleeping and useless. That bolt of green light still hung in the air and Cloud went over to poke it. It singed his finger. He went to find Vincent, his finger stuck in his mouth where it was burnt.

"Thanks for the help. Not." He said after a moment.

"Like you needed it." Vincent replied coolly. "I still feel something around here." He said quietly.

It was then Sephiroth materialised in front of them. "Cloud…" He said softly, reaching out to touch the blonde's face. "You've done exactly as I wanted." He smiled and teleported again before his finger's so much as brushed Cloud's cheek. Cloud looked almost dreamy and Vincent slapping his shoulder hard.

"Snap out of it, idiot. Sephiroth's overly pretty face shouldn't distract you so easily!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Back where Volde-frog sat, the snake sidled over. "No hard feelings, dude, but you just weren't with the times." He said then ate him, with a satisfied gulp.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Not that long by any means but ties up some lose ends and adds a few more strings ;D R&R plzthnx 3


End file.
